A minimum of three versions of you exist.
The one at work.
The one at home.
And the one when nobody’s watching at all.
If they don’t look much like each other, that’s worth noticing.
Who are you when no one’s watching? And how far is that person from the one who shows up on a Monday morning?
The gap in between is usually where the exhaustion lives.
A Client Story
An IT manager I worked with was made redundant, then landed a new leadership role — a step down from where they had been. Overnight, they were wearing two masks. One for former peers, to prove they still had authority. One for the new team, to earn the right to lead them.
Neither mask was a lie. Holding both, all day, was still exhausting.
That’s identity labour. It’s far more common than most of us realise — and most of us don’t recognise it or admit it’s there.
This Carries a Cost
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild called it emotional labour: the ongoing work of managing how you come across to fit a role, whatever you’re actually feeling underneath. The pure performance — what she called surface acting — is the most draining kind there is.
Burnout doesn’t only come from overwork. It often comes from pretending to be someone you aren’t, or don’t feel like you are.
Here’s a quote that captures it sharply:
“We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.”
— François de La Rochefoucauld
When I read this, it feels exhausting. And a little sad. Because we should all be allowed to be ourselves — authentic, and free to show up as who we are.
Authentic Isn’t the Same as Unfiltered
Herminia Ibarra’s research on the authenticity paradox makes an important point: clinging too rigidly to a fixed version of yourself can actually stunt your growth, especially as a leader. Trying on new ways of showing up isn’t fakery. It’s how people expand.
The real skill isn’t dropping every mask.
It’s knowing whether you are wearing one — and which one you’re hiding behind because it doesn’t feel safe to be seen.
Three Coaching Questions
Take five minutes to journal on these:
- Who are you when no one’s watching, and how different is that person from who you are at work?
- Whose approval are you performing for right now — and would they actually notice if you dropped the act?
- If you stopped wearing the mask tomorrow, what’s the risk you’re actually afraid of? Is it still true?
These questions are simple. Sitting with them honestly is not always easy — and that’s usually where the useful work begins.
If you’re finding yourself stretched between who you are and who you feel you need to be — whether that’s imposter syndrome, a new promotion, a role that doesn’t quite fit, or simply the quiet sense that you’re performing more than you’re living — that’s the work I do one-to-one.
You’re welcome to book a free call if a conversation would be helpful.
I’m also running The Change Pathway, a small-group programme focused on identity, mindset, and the beliefs that shape how we show up. It’s a space to understand yourself more deeply and step into what’s next with greater clarity and confidence.
Wherever you are with this, you don’t have to figure it all out at once.
One honest look in the mirror is a solid place to start.